No, I Am Not The DoorDash Driver

It happened to me again the other day. I approached the counter of a local restaurant to pick up the food I had ordered. The person behind the counter looked at me and asked “DoorDash?” Which made me think of all kinds of things.

First, do I look like a DoorDash driver? Sadly, maybe I do. I am a 60-something guy who pulled up in a cheap old car. I suspect that we live in a world where lots of 60-something guys in cheap old cars have decided that driving for DoorDash (or one several other companies that do the same thing) is a good way to make a little extra money in retirement. But I am not that guy. OK, I am making some extra money in retirement, but it is driving something a lot bigger than my cheap old car. So no, I am not the DoorDash driver.

But that got me to thinking about why I was there picking up my own food instead of having the 60-something guy in his cheap old car deliver it for me via DoorDash, GrubHub, or another of those apps that seem to be used by everyone on the planet except me. That, friends, is the larger question. And I answered it by realizing that I just can’t do that.

Not that I am above that kind of work. Many years ago, I made some extra money in college as a delivery driver for Domino’s Pizza. Which could be a blog post all by itself, because I have stories. This was in a college town where many students in dorms lacked cars to go get their own pizzas. Or if they had their own cars they were often too intoxicated to drive them. But that was part of the value provided by Dominos – a pizza to your door in 30 minutes or less.

But now? I feel like the only person still alive who insists on picking up his own carry-out meals. Does this make me anti-DoorDash? Or maybe just anti-DoorDash for me.

First, there is the cost. Getting a meal from a restaurant is costly enough these days. Ordering for carry-out used to be good for avoiding a tip to the server, but no more. (“Oh my, such a lovely job of ringing up a charge on my credit card and handing me the bag that was passed to you! You deserve a lavish gratuity!”). Bringing DoorDash into the equation often adds to the cost of the meal itself, and then there is a second level of tipping involved. I remember how rarely I got tips as a pizza delivery driver near a college campus in the early 1980’s. I don’t think we live in that world anymore.

I realize that it costs me a bit in gasoline and wear and tear on my (cheap old) car to pick up my own meal. That expense is, however, trivial compared to the tips and add-ons from a delivery service. I don’t mean to pick on DoorDash, but hey – they have the catchiest name, and must learn to take the lumps with all the money they get from everyone (else).

Even the idea of having a cheap meal delivered to me seems wrong somehow. I have trouble with the concept of having something from McDonalds handed to me at my front door. A fast food joint like McDonalds is fine in a pinch, but I don’t consider the food there good enough to have delivered. You’re having someone bring you a hot meal and you pick that? I am not above driving to my nearby McDonalds and bringing the food home. I have concluded that the biggest reason I will do one but not the other is so that I can eat the French fries on the drive home, when they are at their peak of deliciousness. Nothing degrades during a car trip like French fries, which seem to have the shortest half-life of any substance on earth.

Maybe that is it – it is all about quality control. When I order myself, I can ensure that I arrive at the restaurant before the food is ready, so that it is at its hottest when I take possession of it. I also ensure that I have no other stops to make nearby, so my food gets to my house as quickly as possible. I have lost count of the times I have arrived at a restaurant to see an order awaiting pickup for several minutes before the delivery driver arrives to get it. I do not intend to be the guy on the other end of that transaction whose meal is on the verge of becoming leftovers by the time he receives it.

I suppose that the heart of my reluctance to order my food via DoorDash is this: I am not too good to go get my own food. The hunter-gatherer instinct in we humans is strong, so it seems like a good thing to go out and procure my own sustenance. When the weather is nice, I enjoy the trip. When the weather is bad, I would feel guilty about making some other poor guy (or girl) take the risk of slick roads so that I can avoid the responsibility of feeding myself.

And, I will confess, ordering food for delivery always reminds me of the scene from the old Bugs Bunny cartoon. You all remember it – the one where the ill-tempered king shouts at his servant to “Bring me my hasenpfeffer!”

OK, the clip proves that the king doesn’t actually issue the command to “Bring me my hasenpfeffer”, but my memory was close enough. (And the cartoon writers missed a great line). I am sure there have been some times where I did a pretty good imitation of this Charles Laughton-like king demanding this or that, but I try to keep those times to a minimum. And one of the ways I can do this is to pick up my own food.

So now you understand why all of the come-ons and promos from Door Dash, GrubHub, Uber Eats and the other similar services get no response from me. Because I may be a lot of things, but I am not a cartoon king. Or a DoorDash driver. No matter what the person at the counter of my local restaurant might think.

29 thoughts on “No, I Am Not The DoorDash Driver”

  1. You aren’t alone in not using DoorDash (or GrubHub or any of those others). Like you, I’d rather control the circumstances of how and when I get my food. Maybe I don’t use them due to having control issues? Nah.

    One story about DoorDash. When my grandfather was deteriorating during the height of Covid, he was staying at my mom’s house and wanted McDonalds. He asked her about DoorDash, so she set up an account and made an order. So my grandfather has used DoorDash more than I have.

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  2. I’m turning 72, and my feeling is if I can’t get my sorry a** up and out to get my daily bread, I should just stay home and starve. My only exception is pizza, but I don’t even do that because my current apartment is too difficult to find for the drivers. And, of course, the additional cost…forget it.

    I think a weird development to see, is that I find food delivery companies packages all over the stoops of my apartment courtyard, at least a couple of times a week. I’m told that people order, fall asleep, and never go out and get it or answer the door! Wasted money, and from where I live, people here are even too poor to be using that service. Why are the lower income using their meager money to have food delivered when I live about 3 minutes from most of those restaurants? Not to mention, many times the packages are torn into by the local raccoons and possums! At years of looking at sociological information of different “groups” in society, it’s actually not that difficult to understand why many poor people are poor, and ordering expensive food delivery at their income range is a pretty big red flag.

    BTW, most of the food delivery drivers near me aren’t “oldsters” but college kids. I know a bunch of people my age delivery driving during the day for extra cash, but they’re driving for car parts companies, and medical lab companies. I think I mentioned on here one time, that I was sitting at a Starbucks one time, and was marveling at all the phone app drinks waiting on the counter to be picked up and many were sitting there the entire time I was there, so I asked the manager about it and the time it took for people together their drinks, and she said it could easily be between 20 minutes and 45 minutes; and many times not picked up at all!! Ordered, paid for, and then abandoned; waste of money! I’m surrounded every day by examples of why the “American Century” is over.

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    • There is a lot here to what you say. It seems to come back to that post of a couple of weeks ago on efficiency. You or I can drive to McDonalds to pick up a burger, but there is nothing but consumption in that transaction. But when a delivery company gets involved, then there is additional economic activity by the company (which makes money on the deal) and the driver (who makes a little money on the deal). They pay taxes on it and the GDP goes up. Wow, look at the efficiency of some broke guy delivering food for pennies so that you and I have more time to go to work and support ourselves.

      Really, I think that the “gig economy” is kind of predatory. Yes, the guy delivering food makes a little money. How much better off would he be getting a CDL and making real money to deliver things in bigger quantities. But that is not the system we seem to be encouraging.

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      • In retirement, I’m pondering a lot of the sub-30 years olds I see and wonder how they are supposed to make a living wage for the rest of their lives? Most all the baristas I’ve chatted with at “indie” coffee shops have “some” college, but dropped out because whatever they were taking ended up being something they eventually weren’t interested in, and “seemed confusing and too much work”, and the cost “meter” was running. The “gig economy” doesn’t pay much, but doesn’t demand much either. You don’t have to get to work on time for the most part, you can work with scary “full face and neck tattoos and face and head piercings”, which, c’mon, no matter how hip it is, even my talented tattoo artist pal refers to as “Job Killers”. You hold very little responsibility, because many can’t be relied on, and you won’t make much money because of that, and it has little value for the community. Even the kids I know that are doing Door Dash or Uber, will walk off the job if they lose interest. I hear lots of backend stories of people fighting for refunds because their food never came or their car never arrived. Jobs similar to these were “bridge jobs” between employment back in the 90’s and early 2000’s; with books written on how “Starbucks Saved My Life” because people were able to get health care while getting back on their feet; I don’t think they were ever intended to be “full life time employment” jobs, but by driving junkers, taking mass trans, sharing apartments, and working places that had decent tips; they can cobble together a living. But, I say to the 20 somethings I know: “…so what’s the plan? Do you see yourself working as a coffee barista at 45?” They look pretty horrified but they don’t know how to change it. Even the trades don’t seem to peak their interest, altho I know some 30-something gal plumbers and electricians. This may be the generation that ends up living on something “governmental” because AI will wipe out the lower end stuff and only the motivated, if them at all, will get old-style employment.

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      • You make some great points. However, I know at least 2 millennials right now who are smart, good workers and have no significance tattoos who are looking for decent career-type jobs and cannot find one. I can understand how somebody might slip into the “gig worker” thing as a temporary measure and have trouble getting out of it.

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      • “How much better off would he be getting a CDL and making real money to deliver things in bigger quantities.”

        All well and good until he has to listen to one of his fellow drivers griping about DoorDash… ;^)

        I’ve never used nor do I intend to use any of those types of delivery services either. The closest I get is when the big brown truck brings some bottles of Grape Juice for Grownups.

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      • I am pretty sure that UPS drivers make significantly more than I do, so I wouldn’t feel bad about having them bring the essentials (whatever those essentials might be).

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      • J.P. I will certainly grant you that there are many that slip into service industry work while they’re looking for a job in their profession, and then find it hard to get out; but I also think they have not done the research to find out if they’re living some place where they can even get employed! I was proving this point a short while back to some of the kids at the coffee shop, and showed them that even a “light dive”into the numbers where I live, shows that there are over 13,000 college grads per year between all the metropolitan colleges…that’s on average EVERY year. If they think this market area has 13,000 college grad starter jobs in business every year for those graduates, they are sadly mistaken. Advertising information that I used to have access to shows me that there might not even be that many starter college educated jobs over 5 years, and those grads are piling up every single year. Not only that, but as a person who used to be in a hiring position for corporations, it’s pretty common knowledge that you’d rather hire a brand new college grad, with possible more up to date education information, that a 4 year old grad who hasn’t done anything in their industry, and just worked at Door Dash or a coffee shop.

        This is why, even 50 years ago, most of my college friends in media, left the area entirely within 4-6 months after graduation, and moved where there were a lot more jobs, hence a lot more “turn-over”. BTW, this type of information was offered by the college student services and placement departments back then (you’re going to have to leave if you expect to work in your industry). It this information not being offered by student service departments any more?

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    • I remember hearing stories from (mostly) before my time about how stores of all kinds would deliver. I grew up in the era of self service, but now you can get everything delivered again.

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  4. I refuse to pay for doordash (et al).
    Fast food is too dang expensive as it is without the 100% mark up. Is this the cue for “back in my day, uphill both ways, snow so deep, get off my lawn, tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time”?

    But any post with looney toons in it is a banger for sure.

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  5. I’m there 100% with you on this topic. I thought it was bad enough when those services like HelloFresh started up a dozen years or so ago; but at least the users of those still professed some interest in making actual food, and the “drivers” were existing things like UPS, USPS or FedEx. The post-COVID proliferation of people delivering food that is generally not worth even going to go get yourself is something I simply cannot abide. The last time I was in a Dunkin’ Donuts (sorry, I live in New England and it’s simply unavoidable sometimes) I realized that people order DoorDash Dunkin’s! There are actually people who will use a delivery service to bring them a gigantic plastic cup full of ice/sugar/milk???? Like toddlers.

    In Boston, we have quite a problem with the takeout delivery drivers riding those small motorcycles that are foolishly classified as “ebikes” (but can go 30mph). Not only do they clog up the bike lanes, but generally cause mayhem and have proven deadly to pedestrians. All to serve an industry that’s about bringing people coffee and (mostly) junk food.

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    • “Like toddlers” had me giggling. Kind of like a toddler, as I think about it.

      Several years ago I was assigned a case where a college kid on a bike was delivering sandwiches. It was after dark and he was going the wrong way on a one-way street. Which is why the driver didn’t look in his direction as she pulled into his path. I got to be the jerk who sued the kid and the sandwich chain for damage to the car. (Fortunately, the cyclist was not seriously injured). I collected, too.

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    • I remember as a kid that there was a liquor store in town that delivered. There was a neighbor lady who used that service more than she probably should have. Pizza would have been better for her.

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  7. Delivery services are good for people who are housebound or disabled, but for the rest of us, it seems lazy and wasteful. And anyway, if you can afford to spend ten bucks for a fast food meal and another ten bucks to get it delivered to your door, why not stock up on frozen dinners and just heat one up when you get hungry?

    I have had to give up all junk food for health reasons, so this isn’t an issue for me personally, but that doesn’t keep me from having opinions or being critical and judgmental.

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    • We should always retain our rights to be critical and judgmental! I think it’s written down somewhere that this privilege is granted as a concession for those of us who are aging. 😁

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    • I am reminded that I joined one of those grocery delivery companies about 3-4 years ago one night when we were at a hotel, without access to a car, and needed some food and toiletry items. I keep forgetting to cancel it, then it renews, and I tell myself I’ll actually use it a couple of times this year. Then I don’t. Rinse and repeat.

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  9. Talk about good timing…

    On my way to my hotel room tonight I passed a DD/UE driver dropping off an order in front of a room. He knocked, took his photo and was on his way. When I left my room a little while later the bags were gone, so *somebody* got some dinner.

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  10. I have never had hot food delivered to the house, even pizza. Yep, I guess I’m weird. There have always been pizza joints on almost every corner where I live, so I just picked up the pizza. Like you, I would rather be there to fetch it hot from the oven. I laughed about the French fries being at the peak of deliciousness – yes, so hot you can barely pick ’em up – who wants lukewarm fries anyway? I’ve not had Kentucky Fried Chicken for many years as I gave up fried food and fast food awhile ago. Mom and I used to have it as a treat occasionally though. I liked the Extra Crispy until they changed the coating and it wasn’t crunchy anymore. But, in Extra Crunchy’s heyday, I’d be waiting at a stoplight while driving home, that wonderful KFC smell wafting throughout the car and I couldn’t resist dipping into MY meal box and ripping off a piece of the crunchy skin and munching it while driving that 1 1/2 miles home. 🙂

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      • I’ve not had KFC since they changed their extra crispy chicken batter. That was probably around the time they rebranded from “Kentucky Fried Chicken” to “KFC” because they didn’t want the word “fried” in their name as it discouraged those people trying to eat healthy. 🙂

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  11. “Did you know if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men will fall over?

    It’s known as the domino’s effect.”

    The only food delivery we get is Hello Fresh (two dinners a week which is enough food for 4 dinners and 4 lunches.) The Car Guy is the dinner chef and food procurement officer – he likes how easy the recipes are to cook, how fresh the food is, how many dinners there are to choose from and how good it tastes! I like not having to cook dinners…

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    • We did the Hello Fresh thing for a little while a few years ago. Maybe we ought to think about it again.

      I’m glad nobody pushed me over back then – that would have affected drivers throughout the franchise system. A real chain reaction!

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  12. I have never used Door Dash or any of those delivery companies, mostly because I consider it a waste of money when restaurant meals are so expensive now, plus I wonder how hot the food can possibly be when it sits on the counter like you said until the driver appears. I will get takeout occasionally but always pickup, mostly because we have no good restaurants nearby other than pizza, and who wants cold pizza.

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  13. My son-in-law and daughter drove for DD for a while and had some stories, too. I’m with you on this. I sit down at the computer to order something, then I see how much it adds up to with delivery and I just get sick to my stomach. I can’t force myself to spend that much. I just can’t. I will order from places that have their own delivery people but it’s mostly pizza, although we do have a nice Chinese place that still uses their own employees to deliver. I tip them.

    And tipping? I will tip, and generously, I think, at a sit-down restaurant where I know the staff are ridiculously underpaid, but if I go to a place where I walk up to a counter and I know the person is making at least minimum wage I just ignore the tip screen and whatever looks I might get. I don’t make any comment because workers don’t set policies but it takes a lot of brass to add a tip screen at some places.

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