Dear Queen Elizabeth – Wherein The Author Humbly Submits A Suggestion To Her Royal Highness Concerning Her Familial Difficulties
23 January, 2019
Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
Dear, um, Queen:
Please accept my most profound sorrows at the misfortunes which have recently befallen your family. It is a terrible thing when the only way for the young ones to “do their own thing” is cause difficulties for others in the family.
I realize that this may be an unorthodox idea, but I would like to offer my services to you and to your family. It seems to me that with the sort-of-ex-Prince Harry and his bride decamping for North America, it would create an appealing symmetry for someone from America to replace them, something of a cultural exchange, perhaps.
My Mrs. and I are not as young and photogenic as the Prince and Duchess, but we believe that we would make up for it in our appreciation for the lifestyle expected of their station and our desire to carry it out to the utmost.
We, you see, may not be the typical gauche, striving type that may immediately come to your mind when you sigh, roll your eyes, and say “Americans.” No, we are of a different sort, quite appreciative of tradition.
First, please understand that we have watched every episode of Downton Abbey, and have thereby been schooled in what would be expected of us. We have taken to heart the lessons therefrom, particularly those which would encourage us to temper our worst American tendencies. We would graciously accept a household full of help in order to be a proper fit with the family with which we would propose to associate in this endeavor.
I would propose a straight exchange. Harry and Meghan can take possession of our modest home in central Indiana while we would take their places in their former quarters. Yes, we understand that they have chafed at the hovel they have been forced to endure. We, however, are prepared to make the sacrifice which comes with housing provided by the Royal Family and the British Government, so long as I am not responsible for cutting the lawn.
We would also be prepared to accept the public schedule that would come with the office. A life of rising at nine, an hour playing with the corgis and then a luncheon in recognition of the Royal Horticultural Society (or somesuch) followed by an evening entertaining foreign dignitaries is something which we could willingly embrace as a sort of penance for luring your family members over here for fame and fabulous riches. And if the Trumps come back, be assured that we will not abandon you to them alone, but will be right there to laugh at his jokes and make him feel at home. How hard can that be in the gilt-encrusted surroundings of Buckingham? More’s the pity that Harry was not up to the task.
Harry and Meghan will surely get a glorious start from our locale, where I am certain they will receive the warmest of receptions. Our home is conveniently located between Los Angeles and New York, places where they will undoubtedly maintain the corporate offices from which they will convert Harry’s birthright into currency, both social and monetary. Our locale has the added benefit of plenty of the sorts of people that Megan wishes to aid as well as a wholesome environment for Baby Archie. They will no doubt come to love breaded tenderloin sandwiches and the Indianapolis 500.
We, on the other hand, will happily wear whatever outfits are chosen for us and will do our best to carry out a proper British deportment. Would it be too much to ask for a vintage Bristol for our day-to-day automotive conveyance? It seems to me that such an auto would be necessary for giving the British Throne the respect which it deserves. If this is not acceptable, an ordinary Range Rover will suffice.
I also happen to be expert in understanding Americans. I have spent plenty of time around young women like the Duchess, and could help you to decipher what seems madness to you. In a show of goodwill, I will offer you this first tidbit with no strings attached – while it may be madness to you and to me, it is assuredly not madness that she might want everything her way, having lived among people who have never disagreed with anything she has ever said. She would have preferred your role, but it having not been open at the time, she settled for Duchess, which translates in American to Co-Queen.
Yes, we are a little older than your grandchild and his royal bride, but would have no difficulty deferring to Harry’s older brother in his rightful role. Should you need some occasional fill-in for Andrew, I should be happy to assist as well. A point of clarification, that fill-in for Andrew would be on your agenda and not on his, which I presume he has been able to keep up on his own.
The only difficulty I can see is that pesky matter of the Reformation. With my Mrs. and I being Catholic and all, I can understand how this could appear to be a point of difficulty. However, I would propose that our brand of Catholicism is not significantly different from the brand of Anglicanism practiced by the Royal Family of as recently as a generation or two ago. And besides, I can think of few ways where this kind of religious diplomacy could be more easily accomplished. I could even assist you in figuring our Pope Francis. Or perhaps not, as it would not be very British to promise what cannot be delivered.
In conclusion, I believe that we could do a smashing job of looking good in tasteful clothing as we smile and offer comforting hand waves to your Royal subjects on the Crown’s behalf in exchange for only those accommodations the Prince and Duchess found so unsatisfactory. Please accept our warmest wishes for your good health and our appreciation for your consideration. Yours very truly, Mr. & Mrs. J.P.
Photo credit: 2011 photograph of Highclere Castle by Richard Munckton under a Creative Commons Attribution license.
J. P.'s Blog 
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This is gold! Ashamed that I didn’t submit a plea to Her Royal Majesty before you did. I hereby dub thee Lord and Lady JP!
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I just smiled and waved, although you couldn’t see, this being a blog, and all. Although I did it in my sweats before getting ready for work instead of in a dashing military uniform following a leisurely morning. But one cannot begin preparations too soon, kind sir.
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You will do smashingly over there, chap. Me thinks there might be but one wrinkle in this plan. Her majesty must be rest assured you would return that bloody “u” into proper English, although she does quite envision how you and thy Mrs. would make the neighbourhood more colourful.
Now, for a spot of tea….
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I have been working on these things – for example, were you aware that aluminium (with five syllables, thank you very much) has no colour or flavour? But it makes a right proper bonnet or wing on a classic Bristol roadster. I was going to finish with a Bob’s your uncle, but I think that may be an expression of the ones being waved to rather than the ones doing the waving.
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Mixed feelings on this one JP.
First of all, Harry and Meghan have decamped to Victoria, which is in Canada. I can assure you that Canadian public opinion is divided on this one, with many not thrilled with the idea of our taxes paying their security costs. Victoria remains the most British of our cities, so although it may comfort them with familiarity their quest for a private life would be more achievable in Dunnville, or Happy Valley / Goose Bay. So from that standpoint Indianapolis sounds like a fine idea.
But blimey, would you really want to sign up for that? Have you ever been to England, those people are loons about their Royals and the press is ferocious. You think CNN is bad, it’s like a little yapping corgi compared to their pack of wolves. Meghan was already a celebrity and how long could she take it? For your own sanity, please no!
I’d propose a more complex deal which sees Harry and Meghan moving to Iceland, perhaps sending our Ontario premier Doug Ford to England so he can be hounded into insanity. Some temporary assignments may be beneficial, I’d like to see Justin Trudeau get his hands dirty on a Saskatchewan wheat farm for a year, Donald and Melania could work on their empathy in Guatemala for a while. Maybe you can find an assignment for Pope Francis, I slightly get the feeling he doesn’t want to be where he’s at but as a Calvinist it’s hard for me to tell.
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These are all brilliant suggestions!
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Haha, love these ideas. I get your thing about the British tabloid press, but don’t they just become a problem when you insist on doing things you really oughtn’t or when you can’t keep your yap shut? (Sorry, an Americanism crept in there.) You never heard about Prince Philip so long as he was not running into other cars on the road. I like to think that my quiet life would send the lot of bored reporters off to Downing Street.
Pope Francis? I’m a Catholic and its hard for me to tell too.
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Ah may it please your worship there’s more to it than the occasional u to add, you must remember to drop that frequent damn r that pops up so many times in British spoken English. You must also learn to order Bangers and Mash at the Pub, from the bar no less, and learn to love warm beer so I’m told. Driving on the wrong side of the road is the least of the challenge you will face, but your driver will surely take care of that for you in town. Don’t forget you must become accomplished at polo with Charles, and learn the ins and outs of Brexit they are about to enter into. Apart from that I think you have it nailed. Postmarked to Buckingham Palace, 24 January 2020. Jolly good! Best wishes old chap!
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I had not thought about the polo. I have not tended to do well in sports involving a stick or a ball. And polo has both but adds horses. Hmmm. Perhaps I could defer to the younger family members as I sip gin cocktails in the garden?
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Bloody Brilliant JP! I wish you every success, but did you check with Mrs. JP first? Does she like hats? She would of course need to be prepared to wear them every day, even those silly little fascinator things? I do have one small request though. Forget the Royals, if you’re going to be hobnobbing with the cream of British society, the Beckhams, George and Amal Clooney etc, I wondered if I might beg an introduction to George. He was always a handsome bloke. Or maybe Collin Firth, Mr. Darcy himself. Perhaps at a small tea party in my honor? Nothing too fancy, just the regular high tea with the crustless sandwiches and scones and some Earl Gray, decaff. The regular old castle china will do. Anxiously awaiting your invitation, a fellow and faithful follower of your blog, Joni.
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Well consider yourself invited. Although perhaps this should wait until we have moved in. I suspect you would be met by puzzled looks if you attempted to exercise this invitation.
One thing though, we mustn’t be using language like “bloody” in the royal environs. This sort of thing is a loosening of standards, and isn’t that what put us all in this mess? 🙂
We had not discussed the hats. My own view would be to think of all of the time and effort saved in the hair department. Mrs. JP would probably disagree, though.
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Alright! It was just brilliant then!
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PS. I must add, I don’t know what all the fuss about them working to become “financially independent” of the crown. Harry has half of Lady Diana’s estate which I believe was 30 million pounds, plus some other money from Charles. It would be perfectly possible to live on that amount in Canada, even in Vancouver where house prices are the highest in the country. They may be likely to get more privacy here, after the initial interest wears off, but most Canadians will not be amused if we have to pay for their security forever. I predict that Meghan will do something in fashion world, and will be blogging on this next week. Cheers!
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Bristol? Range Rover? If they accepted your offer, they might require some sacrifices in exchange … such as a Morris Marina, or an Austin Princess. With you being forced to keep it running. And an endless loop of Boy George and Wham! music piped into every room in the palace.
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Oh, but it just wouldn’t do to have a representative of the Crown waiving from the back seat of an Anglia, now would it? And I like to think that it would be a life consisting of an endless number of string quartets playing Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Although that might put me in the mood for Boy George or Wham after awhile.
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I’m worried about making your ends meet. You should go to the Bridge of London and pass the bar there. So, when that Bristol needs a new engine, you could resort to defending a felon or two.
There is a funny piece from Scholem Aleijem, “If I were Rothschild”. In it he begins most paragraphs with “If I were Rothschild”, and in one he adds: “…I would say to her (note:his wife), “take two whole rooms for yourself-cook, bake, wash, chop, make, and leave me in peace so that I can teach my pupils with a free mind.”
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Oh, I was kind of figuring on The Crown handling the upkeep and repair so long as I chose something properly English. I would expect that if I were to bring a Ram pickup over I would be on my own. 😁
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Haaa. Such a great idea! I do hope the queen gives the idea serious consideration. 👸🏼
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I am beginning to get impatient. I would have thought that royal manners dictate a response within a week at most. Or maybe Harry and Meghan were put in charge of correspondence from the Americas.
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Well, considering how much correspondence the royal family receives perhaps they indeed haven’t gotten to it yet. Also, you may not be the only person with this idea. They may be getting bombarded with such offers. I may even write my own letter offering to take the place of the departing royals. I’m not above stealing a great idea.
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