Wherein The Author Tries (and fails at) Buying A Belt

We live in an online world, and it has never been easier to buy the things we need. Or . . . is that statement actually true? This is something I am trying to figure out. Because I am having a really hard time buying a good belt.

I need a good belt. No, this is not a reference to our recent election and my need for a good slug of whiskey in its aftermath. Although that kind of belt has some attraction right about now. No, I am talking about the other kind of belt – the kind that substitutes for a pair of suspenders and is instrumental in keeping one’s pants from falling down.

There was a time when I would go to a department store to find a belt. My first step was to find a suitable color and style. The color part was not hard – they are almost all black and brown. Style-wise, most of the belt-wearing in my life has been of two kinds. For much of my career, a suit was a common mode of dress, which required a dress belt. Then there was everything else, usually khakis or blue jeans, which required a casual belt. After finding something that looked right, I would look at the price tag. Which would cause me to laugh and decide that I didn’t really need a belt as badly as I thought I did.

But eventually, either my old belt would finally get to the place where Marianne would say something like “You can’t wear that” or where I would find myself in the department store during a big sale. Then a belt and I would find each other and we would start a long and happy relationship, which would last until one of us let ourselves go (either the belt getting old and ugly or me getting too fat to wear it anymore).

Now I am retired from my suit-wearing days and have a driving job. My uniform pants are khakis (although with some handy cargo pockets I never had before) and still require a belt. Up to now, one of my old casual-pants belts has done the job, but it is on the verge of turning in its retirement papers.

Did you know that belts have been worn going back to the Bronze Age? Well neither did I, until I just looked it up. My source does not say if Bronze Age belts were made of bronze. That would be unwieldy. And would probably hurt, too. But I suppose there were non-bronze cows during the Bronze Age that could supply hides for a leather belt. And I do not need one for holding a broadsword (or a pair of six-shooters), just a pair of khaki pants.

I tried the store routine again, but failed. The first time I just laughed at the price and the second time, everything left at a late stage of the sale looked like a belt to be worn by a someone going to a GQ photoshoot. I decided to go online to find a nice, sturdy, blue-collar kind of belt. And I thought my troubles were over when WalMart.com popped up in my search with a Dickies-branded belt for something like $12. A $12 belt delivered to my door (and which does not require my setting foot in a Wal Mart store) – what a wonderful world in which we live!

A couple of days later I got a helpful email telling me that my belt was out for delivery, and then another confirming that it had arrived. I opened the package and pulled out exactly what I had wanted – except for the part that it only goes 3/4 of the way around my waist.

That was strange – the paper tag confirmed that it was the size 38 that I ordered. But then a closer look indicated that the size embossed into the back side of the belt itself disagreed with the paper tag, and identified itself as a size 32. It has been a long, long time since I have had a waist measurement of anywhere approaching 32 inches. Maybe the incorrect size label was the reason that my $12 belt also carried the remnants of stickers proclaiming that it was on clearance for – wait for it – 50 cents.

Now WalMart.com tells me that I have to take my belt to a FedEx store to be shipped back for an exchange. But the honest truth is that I am not sure I have enough enthusiasm to go through with this. Are my priorities askew when it is worth $12 to me to NOT have to go to a FedEx (and possibly pay some kind of packing or shipping fee in addition) to get a $12 (or 50 cent) belt that fits. I could just throw it away and start over. But yes, that would be wasteful. (Or is it Waistful when we are discussing belts?) OK, I could donate the new belt and start over. It occurs to me that when I go to the donation place I could buy another belt that someone else donated. Waist not want not?

Or maybe I should just forget the whole thing. I could probably dig farther into my closet and find an old belt that would do the job for a year or two. By then I may decide that I am ready to really and truly retire and I can spend my days wearing sweatpants that have no belt loops. And the $12? I can mark that one down as a CLE (Continuing Life Education) expense. Experience ain’t free, you know, and I have had to pay far more expensive life lessons than this one.

Image from WalMart.com – because I may as well get something for the money I spent for my useless belt.

7 thoughts on “Wherein The Author Tries (and fails at) Buying A Belt”

  1. Belt buying is a rare, and infuriating, event for me. Thankfully I don’t have to dress any more formal than lackadaisical casual at work but when I do need a belt, invariably it has shrank during storage. Then I all too often have the GQ experience you have had. When belt shopping I never realized there were so many shades of black and brown.

    I’ll join you for a liquid belt.

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    • And so many varieties of the GQ style. It is interesting to think about the people who sit in a room all day thinking about how to make a basic leather belt look different from all the others. Of course the belt people have nothing on the ones who design frames for eyeglasses.

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  3. I hate the belt buying process, and recently went through this myself! In olden days when I wore better clothes (like a suit every day), I would go to the Coach leather store at the mall and buy a mens dress belt, which I could try on at the time. I would end up wearing these with everything, jeans included, and they would last literally 20 years per belt. The price? If you have to ask… I would just suck it up and pay (OK, now $95.00). I mean, they lasted 20 years! When my last one gave up the ghost, I couldn’t pull the trigger on that price for a belt that would be around literally after I was dead! Over the years, I’ve bought at Land’s End as well…expensive, but good quality, and not as expensive at Coach.

    My latest belt buying foray? Here are the problems: 1. Width. I like no more than 1″ to maybe, at most 1 1/16th “. I’m not a cowboy or sodbuster. 1.25” is too wide and looks “funny”, forget wider./ 2. Buckle. Again, as before, not a cowboy. I don’t need a buckle the size of a hubcap. Needs to be very streamlined, and “diminutive”. It should buckle the belt, not make a “statement”. / 3. Length. A frustration always, especially for online buyers. A belt size is usually NOT your waist size, but anywhere between 4 and 6 inches longer, depending on the manufacturer! Try ordering one online at the correct length without getting one that either has too little overhang from the buckle, or way too much. What mess. Some manufacturers size their belts to mean your waist, most don’t, sheesh.

    Those of us that are real clothes “fashion forward” people and demand to dress “correctly” (and shame those who don’t) also have to think about the following: There are only two acceptable colors in mens “dress” leather. Black and Cordovan (altho most leather is not real cordovan any more, which is the ass muscles of a horse, but “Burgundy” colored). Every other leather color is “sporty”. Your belt leather color should match your shoe color, and the buckle should match your watch (and the watch strap if you wear a leather watch strap). Potentially, this results in 4 dress belts: black with gold, and black with silver; and ditto for burgundy colored. I gave up in retirement, and wear black only, even with suits I know burgundy would be better (I feel ashamed when I do this). I shy away from wearing my cordovan wingtips anymore. You have to make allowances in retirement.

    I’m putting in this web site with a coach belt for sale right now, which has the correct size buckle to the vintage coach belt (this might not be up in a while). I can’t even find this buckle on the new coach belts, so ‘end of an era’.

    https://www.ebay.com/itm/900026164733?chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-166974-028196-7&mkcid=2&mkscid=101&itemid=900026164733&targetid=2274564709393&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=9018838&poi=&campaignid=23234300060&mkgroupid=188994849780&rlsatarget=pla-2274564709393&abcId=10504807&merchantid=127685218&geoid=9018838&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23234300060&gbraid=0AAAAAD_QDh9jHI9A0vLuNs9uJ6id6xxqt&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgdbUrLjzlwMVfyBECB02qB_qEAQYASABEgIjfvD_BwE

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  4. By coincidence, I too need a new belt but have hesitated buying one online (and heaven forbid that I go into a physical store…should I be able to find one of those) since I’m not quite sure how to find one of the proper length such that I can apply it via the mid-range of punched holes. I say “mid range” since I’m too cheap to keep buying belts every time I need a smaller or larger one and therefore want one that provides the “range” that will insure many decades of service. Back in the day, I’d go to the store (I’m sure that I frequented malls that had stores such as “Only Belts” or “Belts ‘n Things” or “Belt Barn”) and try them on until I found something the correct size. Now, I’m just not up for the waistful shipping back and forth thing.

    Although I do suppose that all of the cross-shipping keeps folks who drive trucks (and vans) in work. Until we get the drones.

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  5. I think this topic is a little middling (which is the last word I’d use for this week’s election results). And thank goodness for wives who never hesitate to put their wardrobe-challenged husbands back on track. Find me a comfortable pair of shoes and I’ll still be wearing them with holes in the soles, at least until she declares they’re no longer a viable option. It’s the same reason I regularly ask her, “Honey, does this look okay?”

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