Squirrels In My Attic
I have squirrels in my attic. Which is not the same thing as bats in my belfry. Or is it?
Yes, I know – squirrels in a guy’s attic can mean two different things. Of course, those two things can be true at once. And maybe this is what causes a case of nuts in the head.
I have written about my squirrel problem before (when they were actually trying to kill me). Which, by the way, may still be an ongoing plan. I think it was the squirrels that chewed off the hose for my windshield washers. No, not on the old car but the one I drive to work now. Well Mr. Squirrel, you are suffering from a case of squirrel stupidity because you missed the hose full of brake fluid again. Or am I dealing with really devious squirrels. “He won’t be able to see and will drive into a tree, so it will look like an accident. They’ll never suspect us.”
This, I now understand, was only the beginning. Because now the squirrels have breached Fortress J P and have made it into the house. Or into the attic. Which is better. Isn’t it? They have chewed their way through a soffit and it is time for me to take action.
Because taking no action would give them the wrong idea. Do squirrels ever stop in just the attic? I wouldn’t if I were a squirrel. I would find a way into the part of the house that is warm and is stocked with food. Right down to bags of nuts, conveniently shelled and ready to transform squirrels from the hard life to the good life.
In my younger days, I would have been ready to do battle with interloping squirrels by myself. Years ago when a squirrel got into my mother-in-law’s furnace, I was the guy who suggested a long knife to do the intruder in. Alas, he was too agile for my sharp blade and another in the posse of assembled relatives decided that the better plan was to just turn the furnace on. Which worked. It seems that combustion gases did the trick. I will not, however, set a fire in my attic to get rid of squirrels. That would get rid of a lot of other stuff too.
So while the furnace method has a successful history, I would have to figure a way to lure the squirrel back out of the attic and then down the chimney. And then hope that he picks the right flue hole to go down so that he doesn’t come in through one of the fireplaces. Because that would be bad.
My other idea had been to fling those little packs of edible rodent poison through the attic. But will squirrels even eat them when it is walnut season and they likely have several dozen nuts stored and handy? And even if they would chow down on the poison pills, I would be left with who knows how many decaying squirrels in the attic, and the insects that would be drawn to them. Although that would surely deter more of the squirrels from coming in. Maybe mine could be that house that squirrels take their children past at Halloween and say “Never go in there – your Uncle Clyde and his family went in and was never heard from again.”
One son-in-law helpfully suggested that a snake would be just the thing. “Just let a black snake loose in the attic – that should take care of the squirrels.” Of course, then I would have to take care of the snake. Or get a new wife, which I would rather not do. Are there mongoose rental services? Because if I buy my own mongoose, I will have to find something to take care of the mongoose after the snake is gone. A fire is starting to seem like the easy way.
After mulling over these many possibilities, I have decided to just put out a hit on them. I broke down and have actually called the animal guy. This is one of those hardy outdoorsmen who makes a living “removing” unwanted animals from peoples’ homes. They always want to throw the word “humane” into what they do. It always involves traps blah blah blah release blah blah blah. Sorry, but I am the wrong audience for humane. Whack the squirrels and there will be no remorse from me.
Do what you have to do guys, but these squirrels had better not be back. My father used to have a rule he learned from his military service – don’t leave any walking wounded. In this case, these squirrels need to be taken O-U-T, out! Because if they are released into the woods in the next county over, I will bet you good money that they will be back. And if the house burns down in the middle of the night to the detriment of its sleeping inhabitants, somebody had better look for chewed electrical wires. Because my bet is that those squirrels will have gotten their final revenge.
J. P.'s Blog 
Squirrels are awful about such things. They are quick to react and don’t react predictably. I don’t envy you. Dead is the only way to reliably extract them permanently.
Thankfully we’ve never had squirrels in the attic. However, when we were renting an old farm house temporarily after moving to the town where we currently reside, I heard a lot of noise in the attic one day. It was near a metal grate, one of those where the slats rotated when the attic fan was on. So I whacked the grate a few times, even shoving the broom handle through. Then out of the slats came a paw. Yes, we had a raccoon in the attic.
Like you, Rodent Remover Guy got called. He confirmed the raccoon activity but naturally it was vacant upon his visit. But he apparently left his business card as raccoons never returned.
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Yes, raccoons are No. 1 on the “it could be worse” list. A house a few doors up the street was vacant for several months following an ugly divorce/bankruptcy situation, and raccoons took up residence there in the interim. I have forgotten the number that the animal guy got out of there, but it was the kind of number that left me standing with my mouth open.
You would think that a neighborhood that has been built out for over 60 years would not see so much wildlife, but we regularly get deer, foxes and coyotes. Why the coyotes have not gotten rid of the squirrels is something I will have to ask next time I see one.
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Your main “mistake” was not asking for a peace conference a while back. My buddy has a long term policy of appeasement to keep the squirrels out of his gardens and from eyeing up his house. He buys unsalted peanuts by the 25 pound bag, and puts a bit out in a bowl every morning. It’s turned into a meeting place for the local squirrels and chipmunks, and if you sit out there later in the day, they’ll run up and take a peanut right out of your hand! Home invasions in my area are usually limited to bats, not fun either.
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Haha, an intriguing idea! But I refuse to pay tribute or protection!
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If I could trust the squirrels to stay in the attic, I guess I could live with that. But the darn fruit flies invade our kitchen and dining spaces. Oh yeah, and the laundry room is infected because that is where I started keeping the fruit in a misguided attempt to keep them out of the kitchen. At least we are well into October when they are so fat and sluggish that I can actually erase them with applause for their aerial acrobatics!
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Ugh, I hate fruit flies, too. I have found that you can largely avoid them by keeping Twinkies instead of fruit.
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🤣Yeah, I never would have guessed that fruit flies were so healthy!
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My father-in-law used ‘humane live traps’ to catch the squirrels in his neighbourhood, then he transported them to a park across the river, thinking that would keep them away. It didn’t. So he started gassing them (car exhaust method.) That worked well until a neighbour saw him attaching the hose to the tailpipe and misinterpreted who/what the old guy was going to dispatch… Emergency responders were not all that amused.
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Hahaha, best squirrel story yet! My sister tried that with moles in the ground, but it didn’t work. I’m afraid that car exhaust into the attic might be a bad idea with the slats for a whole house fan close to the bedrooms.
And boy, wouldn’t that kill my MPG average! 😛
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Well, I am kind of aligned with Geoff Stamper’s comment about the squirrels staying in the attic (although I get a bit lost about the fruit fly connection). That’s basically my position as well. I have had squirrels in the attic on and off over the 25 years I’ve lived in my current house. Some years they are worse than other years. I have had the soffits repaired and that helped for a while. But if it’s going to be a particularly bad winter – and the squirrels seem to be able to determine that well before I or any other human can – they’ll be back in there for sure.
So I kind of take it as a function of living in the woods. They (the squirrels) were here tens of thousands of years before I was. They will be here well after my house is dust in the wind. Meanwhile, we figure out how to co-exist.
I do have one (out of 3) dog that does a fantastic job of chasing the squirrels out of the yard. I’ve notice that they have taken up residence in trees (living in the big squirrel nests that squirrels are supposed to live in vs. my attic) on neighboring properties and spend much of their time sitting on my fence screaming at my dog. Hopefully that means that they’ll be loath to climb up my house this year, and chew through the soffits. Rather, they’ll do that to the neighbors’ houses if the winter is going to be hard enough. Which is fine with me since I’m not too happy with the neighbors and their recently-acquired roosters.
Now, if only I could come to equal peace with the mice and chipmunks (and seemingly, ants!) who want to eat their way into my cars.
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The dog isn’t a bad idea, but with my luck, I will get a dog that wants nothing to do with squirrels. Then I will have both the squirrels and a dog.
Squirrels as a species my predate my ownership of this property, but I am quite sure I have been here longer than any squirrel now alive anywhere on earth. My training in the common law has formed my attitude that these particular squirrels are trespassing and therefore have no rights to inhabit my particular half-acre. Blackstone > gray squirrels.
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Ah, thanks for simulating the memory banks. In the 90’s we lived in the Chicago suburbs, had a nice house with a 2.5 car detached garage. With a 16′ x 7′ door. One day I noted some mysterious small ‘foam’ remnants on the floor of the garage, and upon investigation learned that a squirrel had established residency in the rafters amongst numerous items stored there. If I recall correctly, items destroyed were two expensive kids car seats, tires from a wagon, a few small spools of leftover 14/2 wire, among other things.
After chasing him around for about a half hour, it was apparent that he did not remember that wide open 16 x 7 opening that he entered through. When he retreated to the corner of an overhang area above the garage door, and was thus trapped, I created what I have dubbed ‘the squirrelinator’, which is a long barbecue fork attached to a broomstick with duct tape. In military terms, Mr. Squirrel was terminated with extreme prejudice.
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I admire a man who will face off with a cornered squirrel!!
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Oh man, I don’t envy you at all. I’m trying to remember what I learned in my old Insurance days about whether you’d be covered for that or not. I’m with you on the “humane traps.” It’s good you are getting a pro out there quickly, though, because they can do an awful lot of damage. Keep us posted.
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I am sure it will be a small enough financial sum that an insurance claim would be more trouble than its worth, even if it was covered. And I don’t know if it would be covered either.
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Squirrels chew everything and the car wires have a soy substance in them that is appealing. My boss had a big expense when he had to have his GM Yukon towed in the UP after they chewed major wires in the car. I still have my landline and every few years, the squirrels gnaw on the sheath covering the telephone wire (not at the house connection but up top, the utility wire) and I lose my phone service. The AT&T repairman says the squirrels give him job security. I’m sorry you have to deal with this JP. My grandmother had black squirrels in her attic many years ago, an entire family of squirrels. She was sitting in the living room and heard noises above in the ceiling – they did a lot of damage according to the pest removal service, chewing on wood. As to electrical wires, a few months ago a squirrel chewed a wire at a DTE substation. The backup grid kicked in with no interruption of power – my generator did not even kick on, the digitals did not even flicker. But June 27th was a stinkin’ hot day and the backup grid was taxed and the power went out around 4:00 p.m., out until almost midnight. This is the second incident of squirrel chews. I hope you get the squirrels – maybe the exterminator will relocate them like the two possums caught in the trap intended for the groundhog at my house back in 2023.
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A squirrel once knocked out power at my office after it discovered which gap to not bridge on a transformer.
I have read about the problem with modern car wiring, and keep both of our cars in the garage almost all the time now.
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The squirrels at my house are very cooperative with the chipmunks. They confine themselves to the attic and leave the garage to the chipmunks….where it’s usually an all you can eat car wiring buffet. 😦 That leaves the basement to the mice. Fortunately, the cat has free range of the basement and the rest of the house; so the mice are definitely on the short end of the rodent stick around here.
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Yikes! It’s a bit scary what a rodent chew can do. The squirrels like your walnut tree, so I think they will never stray far from your home.
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I haven’t had squirrels in my attic, although they might find it quite cozy with a foot of soft insulation to curl up in, but I did have a dead squirrel in the basement once. It must have gotten in through the chimney (I had that problem with a bird once too and it’s no fun chasing a bird around a three level house with a broom), but the squirrel had made a nest in one of the boxes of old stuff I had intended to donate to the St.Vincent de Paul/Goodwill. When I was down there doing laundry I noticed the smell…..which got progressively worse near the boxes. There being absolutely no food in the basement it had died of starvation. Luckily my nephew was here and he mercifully carried it outside in a shovel and buried it under a tree. We threw the shovel away, and all the boxes. It makes me cringe to think about it. We have numerous walnut trees in my neighbourhood and they are dropping like flies – what messy things squished all over the road – I wear my oldest shoes walking – but the squirrels are in heaven. I think it will be a bad winter.
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A bird in the house sounds like no fun at all. My mother in law got one in her basement one time, and we successfully kept it down there until we could get it herded towards an open window.
My father had a lake cottage, and one year when we were opening it up for the spring, we noticed some things messed up. Then we found the dead squirrel that had made its final resting place under a plastic beanbag chair. It was kind of a mess.
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Operation Attic: Squirrel removal!! LOL – Never fun to have an issue like this. Not sure if they are better than bats. Good luck!
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Good question, I’m not sure either.
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I finally, FINALLY found the nerve to read this post, JP. Most everything I read – as expected – is what I am CURRENTLY experiencing myself. Call it coincidence or chalk it up to where we both live. The attacks are annual, almost on-schedule, right before mating season/hibernation. The first “tree rat” we dealt with – last year – went down a flue pipe and found a budding home in the roof cavity above our screened-in porch. Our squirrel guy nabbed him with a trap as he came back out of the pipe… except he lost his grip on the squirrel as he removed him… and he now rests in peace directly above our screened-in porch. After putting screening over the flue pipe and effectively sealing it, a year later a squirrel figured out he could chew through the pipe itself without being seen if he chewed from the back side of the pipe. Same drill by the squirrel guy, only this time he added a second larger flue pipe around the first one. Next year I expect a squirrel to chew through his double-walled solution.
I’d love to lay down poison (I mean, c’mon, the squirrel population down here seems to be doubling by the month) but we have horses, so that approach is a definite no-no. I also looked into those audio devices where the squirrels hear high-pitch tones like dogs do (but humans don’t) but again, the horses would freak out. Conclusion: the squirrel fix starts with getting rid of the horses. Try telling that to my wife.
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My squirrel problem is ongoing. My squirrel guy is engaged in a battle of wits, and has been on the short end thus far. I am reminded of the gopher in Caddyshack for this thing’s ability to avoid traps. Honestly, I am really to sit out back with a .22 rifle and fis the holes in the roof later, but I don’t think Marianne will buy into this idea.
Maybe one of those audio devices would be a good idea, because we have no horses.
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I should’ve mentioned my BB-pistol. It’s been fun to take pot shots at the squirrels who make it onto my roof. I’m not a good shot, so most of the time I miss. Besides, a BB only bruises a squirrel. But every now and then I find my target and they scurry away, thoroughly irritated (and no doubt planning their next move).
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