There are so many diets. And so many people writing books about them. A quick Amazon search for “diet books” turned up over 70,000 results. I don’t see why I should be excluded from this delicious trend. But I have decided that you, my dedicated readers, should be rewarded with a free introduction to something for which a lot of others will surely fork over. I think I will call it the JP Diet.
There are so many different kinds of diets out there.
But there is one great big problem with all of them – each features some things I love but excommunicates other foods I love just as much and cannot see doing without. So why not a diet plan that assembles the very best from the most successful diets while eliminating their weaknesses? That delicious thing you smell is the tantalizing blend of good health and money.
Let’s take, for example, the classic “Heart-Healthy” diet. This was hugely popular back in the early 1980’s, and we need something for retro appeal. It is a bonanza of fresh fruit, fresh vegetables and whole grains. It even embraces as “better foods” things like white sugar, white bread, pasta and alcoholic beverages. It’s problem, however, is that fat is verboten, and we have learned that dietary fats are actually good for you.
So we can fix its deficiencies with one of the high protein/low carb diets, like the well known Adkins version. These diets prioritize delightful things like red meat, cheese/dairy and eggs. So, already you can see the benefits – where either of the diets mentioned above will deprive you of that glistening cheeseburger that you crave so much, the JP diet says “Go ahead! Enjoy”. These diets also combine to permit life-giving things like ice cream (all the fat, all the carbs) and blueberry pie.
But wait, you may say – why can’t I have french fries with my cheeseburger and milkshake? Oh, but you can! This is where the Starch Diet comes in – while it nixes many of the things that the low carb and low fat diets promote, the starch diet removes the guilt from the humble potato. And how can any well-rounded person be expected to live without the potato? (Or, if you prefer, how can any lover of the potato fail to be well-rounded?) If we combine the starchy goodness of the basic spud with the carb-free fats from the fryer, voila!
The well-known Paleo diet gives us another source to justify promotion of potatoes as part of our well-balanced diet. It’s not Tubby the Tuber any more!
We must adopt a few features from the popular Mediterranean diet as well. Olive oil, tomatoes and red wine are a must for any big night out at the Olive Garden, and are therefore a must-have for the JP Diet. Another big plus is the way herbs and spices are promoted, which will take the guilt out of an evening spent at KFC. The Colonel clearly knew what he was doing with his “Special blend of eleven herbs and spices” because Mediterranean tells us that those herbs and spices are A-OK.
The South Beach diet is another that has a large following. In addition to some of the things already mentioned, it gives us a big one – all the coffee you can drink! But the benefit here is that the JP Diet brings in the Heart-Healthy Diet’s imprimatur on sugar and the low carb’s blessing on cream, so go ahead – the JP Diet allows you to doctor your coffee any way you want, right down to those eight-word orders at your favorite StarHucks. And go ahead, get the big one with no guilt!
You can surely see by now that the JP Diet is sure to be a resounding success, and just look – you are getting an advance taste for free. Once I write my book I will be on the A-List talk shows to promote its health benefits and on the best cooking shows to demonstrate my fabulous recipes like Beef Stroganoff, Four Meat Lasagna and my grandma’s Brown Sugar Pie.
Some of you may be raising an eyebrow about my claims for health benefits from the JP Diet, but hear me out. How healthy is it, really, to live in a state of stress and anxiety over every meal? Sure, you may live to 99 on some of those others, but you will be a neurotic, emotional wreck by the time you get there – and then die from cancer anyway. You will probably have been on the exercise bandwagon too, so your joints will all be shot as well. And how healthy is that?
My diet thinks of health on a per-year basis. The JP Diet may make it hard to get above your sixties, but each one of those years will be jammed full of the stress-free, low-impact lifestyle that makes for a well-formed person. Not to mention the tonic effect you will have on those around you. Really, would you actually like to spend an evening listening to someone droning on about living on 1.5 ounces of poached fish and some nuts before going out to run a marathon? “Me, me, me, me” and all that. My favorite people to meet at parties are the ones with great stories of life lived, meals enjoyed with wine or cocktails, and the interesting variety of folks they have met in their lifestyle. Trust me, there’s a lot more variety there than the ones who talk about little else than their own bodies.
So there you have it – the JP Diet is just the thing you have been looking for, even though you did not know it. This is the diet that you can custom-tailor to your needs and body type, and that will encourage you to get out there, enjoy life, and spread that enjoyment to those around you. Nobody is going to live forever. The JP Diet is the only one that will not make it seem that way. Now pardon me while I find a publisher who will make me unimaginably rich.