Everyone seems to make predictions as the new year rolls towards us, and I see no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed in on the action.
In an effort to keep this interesting, I am prepared to eschew the safe bets for the coming year. Others in the the prediction game can have the easy ones. I am going to keep things more interesting as I go for the longer odds. So shall we begin?
1. After the 2018 elections the majority party will begin exercising control by hosting a pot luck dinner, during which everyone on both sides of the aisle will sit down and constructively work towards improving life for everyone. The new Senate Majority leader will be quoted as saying something like “Nobody wins through partisan squabbling. It’s time to work together like adults so that everyone can be heard.”
2. Donald Trump will reveal that his 2017 tweets have all been a big practical joke. He will hold a press conference explaining that his eleven year old son put him up to it and that 2018 will be the year of a professionally managed Executive Branch. Members of the press will get a good chuckle out of the way they have been fooled and will respond with positive and insightful Trump coverage for the rest of the year.
3. 2018 will be the year that everything comes together to prove that socialism works in Cuba. Opinion makers of all political persuasions will agree that it just took some time to get through a few rough decades during the transition. All will be pleased to see that the living standard for those on the island will finally advance into the promised workers’ paradise that Cubans have been expecting since 1959. The island nation will have to institute stern measures to control massive immigration from Connecticut and Illinois.
4. Tesla will be embroiled in scandal when it is revealed that the company’s highly touted electric vehicles have actually been powered by Chevrolet big block V8s with no emission controls. Investigative journalism will turn up confidentiality agreements signed by each buyer, which will disclose that each car requires super high octane leaded premium gasoline. News will travel quickly that the devices which appear to be Tesla charging stations are actually pumps for the illegal fuel. Tesla stock will continue to rise in value.
In a bonus prediction for the auto industry, Fiat-Chrysler will finally achieve the top tier across several measures of vehicle quality, causing significant losses in market share for Toyota and Honda.
5. A new trend in rap music will take hold, featuring lyrics that promote wholesome relationships and that strongly discourage violence and drugs. The artists leading this trend will sweep the Grammys, which will lead to massive listener defections from soft rock and contemporary country stations in the key demographic of females from 35-54.
6. After years of subscriber losses, Cable TV companies will make a strong comeback across the U.S. Significant price reductions and exceptional customer service will have Comcast vying with AT&T as the most beloved communications provider in America.
7. Pope Francis will announce a repeal of the Second Vatican Council. He will make the announcement during an informal discussion with reporters during a flight, but the initial reporting will be confused because he will be speaking in Latin. A rough translation will be something along the lines of “The ’60s was an optimistic time. We tried making some changes, but the whole thing just didn’t work out. Now get away from me.”
8. A Christmas Story Live II will be a ratings blockbuster and sure to become an even bigger cultural icon than the 1983 film.
9. The U.S. Postal Service will announce the purchase of Sears in an effort to duplicate the success of Amazon.com. Their new slogan of “We were here first, you owe us” will prove unpopular with consumers and the combined company (which will be called The U.S Postal Service) will announce a Bankruptcy filing on the day before Thanksgiving. The actual filing will be delayed for several weeks because John J. McManus of Bennington, Vermont (the mistaken recipient of the original bankruptcy documents) will be unable to read the badly mangled return address.
10. Finally, after a year where sex and violence have come together in Hollywood to take down several major stars and star-makers, Hollywood will see the error of its ways and will begin a new era of programming which features characters doing the right thing while promoting virtue and good taste.
What . . . you don’t think any of these things is going to happen in 2018? Well, I’ve been wrong before.