Aren’t You Someone I Used To Know?

OK, it’s time to admit it. I am getting old. Not dirt-old, but I am now well into that final 5-year period that marks the last few years before I hit a marker that starts with a 7. This being so, it is impossible to avoid acknowledging that, by at least some yardsticks, I am entering that phase that some call old. And I am discovering one unexpected problem. I call it the “Don’t I know you?” problem.

There are lots of topics that get hashed over in those interminable “I’m getting old” posts from boomer bloggers, but this might be one that you, dear readers, have not seen: It seems that I cannot recognize old acquaintances any more. I have always been terrible with names but much better with faces. What, however, do we do when those faces get older? Especially on those folks we (OK, I) have not seen in a long time?

I have not been a hermit during my adult life, and have been on speaking terms with lots of people. As a longtime attorney, I would often run into clients, other attorneys or even judges that I knew well enough to warrant a smile and a hello, if not a 5-minute chat to catch up on things. I have been active in my church for many years, with both programs involving my kids at the parish school and those for adults at church. I have been a member of service or networking organizations and have made many acquaintances there. And when you add former neighbors, friends of friends and people in Marianne’s circle, that’s a lot of faces. When Marianne and I were dating, I kidded her that we could not go anywhere without running into someone who knew her. Later the joke reversed, and it was always someone who knew me.

Whether fortunately or unfortunately, it has been quite a long time since I have seen most of these people. And we all age differently. The former neighbor that I may remember from 1992 almost certainly doesn’t look the same. Hair turns gray or white, or sometimes deserts its male owner. We gain weight or lose it. Some age prematurely because of poor lifestyle choices or bad genes, while others become frail and ill just by the aging process – especially after about the age of 80. And (just to make things really unpredictable) a few seem like they never change.

Look at the lede picture. I do not suggest that I have ever known the famous actress Lauren Bacall, but a comparison of young Lauren with old Lauren makes my point. Which is this – when I was, say, 45 and knew someone who was maybe 65, it was easy to recognize that person. However, after enough years have passed by, recognizing an aging face I have not seen in awhile is difficult. I am in the habit of scanning faces when I am in public. Sometimes a face on an older person looks vaguely familiar, and I have to decide if I recognize it. This leads to a lot of awkward staring. And a duel about whether the problem is the other person’s face or my memory. I usually resolve that by going with the first one.

Here is the typical scenario. A few weeks ago I trod into my local grocery store. As soon as I walked in, I saw a woman looking at a display of blueberries. (I add the detail about the blueberries just to settle any fears you might have that I am becoming a doddering old fool who cannot remember things beyond a day or two.) (Although I could be making up the thing about the blueberries, and you would never know.) I thought she might be a woman who had been a judge in a small claims court I frequented in the 90’s and early 2000’s. She would have to be into her late 80’s by now, so what she looked like when I knew her would have been quite different.

To this elderly woman at the blueberry display, I applied the version of aging software in my head. This aging software in my brain often isn’t very good, and in this case I concluded that there was maybe a 50-50 chance I was correct, so I took the plunge. “Pardon me, aren’t you Judge Throwthebook? That wasn’t her real name, but you get the idea. The lady smiled and responded “No, I’m not.” Which left me to reply with the old “I’m sorry, you look a lot like someone I used to know.”

I guess the answer is, of course, to just ignore everyone around me. Actually, my introverted nature would probably appreciate it if I wore blinders and sunglasses when I go out in public. And then I will let everyone else play the “don’t I know you?” game when they see me. Or the “What’s with the idiot wearing blinders and sunglasses?” game. But it is probably easy for others, because my appearance has not changed one bit.

43 thoughts on “Aren’t You Someone I Used To Know?”

  1. I also have this going on…BUT…I will say, as well, that sometimes, the way that people change while they age, also increases your chance for error in identification. I will openly admit to confusing people I don’t know with those that I do, but when this happens, the people I am misidentifying also have an uncanny resemblance to who I think it is, enough so that they could easily be confused with being a family member. It’s not like the people I’m misidentifying have zero features to who I think it is. I recently misidentified someone in a coffee shop with someone that usually hangs out there, and they actually walked in minutes later, and the side-by-side resemblance was remarkable! So much so that the baristas commented on it! Maybe the older you get, the more coincidences you run into?

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  4. I haven’t changed a bit either; but the other day I was looking at some photos of my daughter’s wedding… and I had such a hard time equating that guy with my-actual-self.

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  5. For me, it may be a function of cluttered and over-filled mental drive space. I find that people I see at least once a year never seem to age. Less often than once a year, there’s a good chance that they’ve aged or become entirely unrecognizable to me.

    By the way, if you hadn’t actually stated it in your text, I’d probably not have recognized either of those lede photos as Lauren Bacall! She’s very young in the first one and very old in the last one. Neither registered for me. I think I need to go watch To Have and Have Not again to refresh my copy.

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    • One cannot watch too many movies that starred Lauren Bacall.

      I think I agree with your once a year rule. It’s after 5-10 years when things get dicey.

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  6. The Hollywood example is perfect. We seem to attach ourselves to the famous people of our generation, and accordingly they’re the ones who have most noticeably changed over the years. I’m regularly in shock when I see a recent photo of a Boomer actor. Without the caption I might not know who it was. As for personal acquaintances, it’s hard enough when you see one of them in a setting where you don’t expect them to be, or in a hat or sunglasses. As you say, there’s that awkward “I know you but I can’t place you” moment. Wish I could just ignore and move on, but my conscience forces me to discover if I’m right or wrong about the person. Now you’ll have me looking for old acquaintances among the blueberries.

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  7. Just yesterday Facebook showed me a memory from just 10 years ago in which a photo of me appeared. I realized I don’t look as much like that now, as 20-years-ago me looked like 10-years-ago me. Timely reflection.

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  8. Yes, I’m running into this with more frequency. It’s a sobering event. What is worse is recently seeing a picture of 39 year old youthful looking me next to 53 year old me. Yikes. I suppose my 40s were not kind to me. However, Mrs. Jason has not changed in the 32 years I have known her…

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  9. It’s fascinating how differently people age. Some people from 25 years ago are virtually unrecognizable now due to a weight gain (particularly in the face) or hair loss. Others look the same, except for the streaks of gray running through the hair.

    Having children makes it very likely one will run into someone from the past. Many relationships are based on children’s activities, and when the activities end, the relationships often do, as well.

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    • That is really true about school activities. My kids went to a parish school so we still see some of those folks in church, but many of them seem to have moved.

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  11. The good news is that the phenomenon is normal. The bad news is that it gets worse. I thought maybe I was on the spectrum of those who cannot recognize faces when I clearly did not remember a first cousin once removed who was at a function I should have expected to see her and she had not changed radically from the last time I saw her. When my youngest son was admitted to the bar, I was allowed to present him before a prominent judge who made some nice comments about how we were classmates at school. A few years later I saw him at a Bar Association luncheon and was shocked when he addressed me by another name I recognized as a fellow class clown (so he made that connection) but the judge was definitely in possession of his faculties and I was wearing a name tag. I was embarrassed because my wife was with me and probably thought how I had been exaggerating my friendship with the judge all these years!

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  13. I would be quite happy if people from way back did not recognize me! I know I have changed a lot, but am more at peace with ‘the skin I am in’ than I ever was when I was younger! Age has some benefits!

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  14. JP, I will be turning 70 next April and not happy to be nearing the “Big 7-0”. I was the youngest person in my high school graduating class, having just turned 17. We had 613 in our class. When we graduated in June 1973, the hair style was the same for guys and girls – nearly everyone wore long, straight hair, parted in the middle with feathery bangs and jeans. Who could tell us apart? When we had our 40-year class reunion, a Facebook group was created for planning purposes. Through Facebook’s algorithms, anyone on Facebook from our class was automatically migrated into the reunion group. I did not attend the reunion, but, being nosy, I went through all the people’s profile pics in the group and only identified about 20, all guys, all identifiable only by their last names, just 20 out of hundreds of pics. That was bad enough, but we also have a high school death site … yes, morbid, but there are posts of obit notices re: those that have passed away since the first graduating class in 1960 until the present. In those obit notices, I have never recognize anyone from our graduating class. I can’t remember the last time I was somewhere and recognized someone or vice versa.
    On YouTube, there is a feature that shows progressive pictures of celebrities from their initial fame until the present time. Some day, if you want to feel young, just watch one of these videos. Through AI, the videos morph the “star” through the years and it’s like the Lauren Bacall pic. You’re left scratching your head.

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  15. Wow, I would not have recognized Lauren Bacall at all. She had such pretty eyes….versus the ‘sunken eyes’ look of the elderly. Something you can’t hide no matter how much cosmetic surgery stars may have.

    I noticed that after my last hospital retirees luncheon – how much older everyone I worked with was looking, face wise, although they may look fit/good otherwise, and have the same hairstyle etc…..me included. I knew a lot of people from working in a small community, but now if I run into a patient I might have known, and I recognize their face, but can’t remember their names, I just settle for a friendly hello and how are you, as everyone likes to share their health problems….that sometimes gives me a clue, but not always. But I often get, don’t I know you from somewhere, but where? as people don’t recognize me without my lab coat on, but when I say where I worked, then they clue in. Plus, my hair is straight now, versus curly – those hair straighteners are the best thing ever invented!

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    • Yes, seeing someone in an unfamiliar place is a real cause of confusion.

      As for those you worked with, it sounds like you see them often enough that you recognize them even with the uneven aging.

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      • We try and have retiree lunches every 6 months, June and before Christmas, except for the pandemic years. We have an email list and a good turnout – 40 people or so. I worked with a great group of nurses in my hospital job….all baby boomers around my age or slightly older. With so many of the restaurants closed now, it’s hard to find one with a room big enough for all of us.

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  17. Hi JP – when you get a chance, could you check if my comment went to SPAM? It appears that every post I commented on last night did not show up, even though I always wait before moving to the next post in Reader to ensure the comment is there. Sigh.

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  18. LOL – Did you have to ruin our Sunday? Just kidding. Ah, aging. We all age differently. Some people actually look better as they age. I always think of Robert Redford, he was really young when he aged so much. Jane Fonda with all the Botox, face lifts, still looks youthful. Luckily, we are all aging, so we’re not alone.

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  19. What I find most unusual, is that I see doppelgangers of people I know at home, in other cities. Also, people I know who live elsewhere, have virtual twins here. Most unusual.

    I’m sure there is a JPC lookalike wandering around here somewhere. If I see him, I’ll let you know!

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    • Haha, please do! And you are right about the kind-of-twins thing. I sometimes wonder if there isn’t a limited number of available permutations for human appearance.

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