Our Commitment To You During The COVID-19 Outbreak
Introductory note. The Coronavirus outbreak is everywhere. Literally. The news is depressing and everyone is either at home going stir crazy or at work but afraid of getting sick. Or actually sick. Rather than add to the gloom, I thought that perhaps all of you might be ready for something a little lighter. Even something as serious as COVID-19 has a lighter side, if we know where to look. So, let’s attempt to look past the suffering out there and examine one of the weirder aspects of this contagion.
I have been getting bombarded with emails from about every company I have ever given my email address to, assuring me that it is keeping its commitments to me during the present COVID-19 crisis. I thought that perhaps I should join the throng and let you all know that this little blog will be keeping its commitment to you as well. Yes, I can sometimes follow the herd. So – let’s get down to what this commitment is and how I intend to keep it.
We at JP’s Blog deeply appreciate our readership. It is because of the value we place on our relationship with you that we felt the need to assure you that you are our top priority during this difficult time of pestilence. [I have always wanted to use that word in some context outside of the Old Testament. Just look at the progress here – another item checked off from the bucket list!]
We realize that we provide a crucial service, never mind what the Governor of our State thinks. That we were not listed as one of the “Essential Services”, which permits us to roam the city at will, was surely a careless oversight. But no matter, because even with our gates locked and blinds drawn, we will continue to bring you fresh content weekly as we have done since 2015. And by authors who are wearing actual clothes and not just sweats and slippers. Because no quality content can be written by people in sweats and slippers. OK, we understand that wearing of clothes does not actually guarantee quality content, but let’s not get surly about this. In any event, we will make allowances for temporary growth of facial hair.
In terms of content, we will strive to bring you timely updates on important safety announcements. For example, will you stop touching your face already? Now go wash your hands. You weren’t raised in a barn. Please watch this space for regular updates so that we can assist you in promoting healthy practices. And we realize you were expecting some reference to “flattening the curve”, but we are so sick of this stupid phrase by now that we refuse to use it here.
Because of the financial challenges that have accompanied this pandemic, we commit to the suspension of all subscription collections, so that your readership experience will be at no cost for the foreseeable future. [What? You say you have never paid a subscription? Well no wonder this thing isn’t making any money.] This is because your personal solvency is our top priority.
Sanitation is the other thing that is foremost in our minds – it is actually our top priority – and therefor we will provide all content to you strictly in an online form at this time. While it is true that we have never provided actual, physical written things for you to hold in your (hopefully) washed hands, we will promise to not do so for the present. Nor will we send representatives to your homes for any reason. So please be aware that if some scruffy looking guy in a flannel shirt knocks on the door telling you that he is from JP’s Blog and needs to check your connection quality, call the police because he was not dispatched from our editorial offices and is surely up to no good.
We will continue to maintain a distance of greater than six feet from all readers (at least those who do not share the physical space of our editorial offices, 100% of whom we are married to, by the way). Most of our readers will also receive additional safety buffers of hundreds, if not thousands of miles of fiber optic cable, copper wire and wi-fi air space to create a physical barrier so as to maximize the safety of your reading experience. The spread of bad puns and other less desirable parts of our publication cannot be helped, though we are looking into ways to reduce these – purely for your safety, of course.
We cannot, however, accept responsibility for the condition of any individual reader’s equipment. So just to be clear, if you get sick and die because you picked up germs from a computer keyboard that has not been cleaned since 2016 it is not our fault. And besides, didn’t we already tell you to stop touching your face?
We can assure you that we have cleaned and disinfected all of our own equipment – this has been our top priority. We can therefore assure you that none of the content provided by this site will contribute to a need to disinfect the insides of your connection cables or the individual liquid crystals in your display. But because we have no control over the other websites you might be visiting, perhaps you should give this some attention. [Note from Legal: Ferkryinoutloud don’t suggest to them that they pour some cleaning liquid inside of any of their electronic components. Do you want one of them to sue you after he pours bleach into the vents atop his expensive monitor? Of course you don’t. So just stop it.] At the risk of repeating ourselves, we are confident in the integrity of your personal electronics so please don’t, well, never mind.
Finally, there is our commitment to the management and staff at our World Headquarters Campus – they are our top priority. Financial security is important at a time like this, so please know that our deeply appreciated editorial staff will receive not a single cut in pay or benefits for the duration of this public health crisis.
In the interests of full disclosure, the management and staff of JP’s Blog numbers, uh, one. At least for now. If he gets sick and dies, well then, all bets are off. Assuming a better outcome, we should (quietly) add that he has not made one thin dime from this effort. Which gives us cause to wonder about him sometimes. But don’t say anything, we wouldn’t want to give him any ideas.
To conclude, you are our top priority and we pledge to keep our commitment to you, our valued readers. And for the last time, will you PLEASE stop touching your face!
Image credit:
Vintage poster from the Flickr page of Archives New Zealand, under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license, cropped for size.
J. P.'s Blog 
Thank you for that reassurance. Almost as reassuring as the pizza we got the other day; we were able to order from our favorite non-chain pizzeria, pay with credit card over the phone, wait in the parking lot and they brought it out and handed it to us.
I figure if you can still get a pizza things must be more or less under control.
And if we can still get JPC updates then things must still be more or less under control. Thanks again, and stay safe
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We have not yet done take-out since things got really locked down. As members of both Sams and Costco, our pantry looks kind of like you might imagine it would, so we have been working through what we have on hand. But now that you mention it, a pizza (or some Mexican or some Chinese take-out) does sound kind of good.
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The diligence and fortitude of JP Enterprises, Inc., is truly appreciated.
Despite this ordeal, there have been some positives – upon which it is more fulfilling to focus, rather than the negative. I have not left the house in a week – it’s been great! We also finished reupholstering some basement chairs and I used one of them while doing my paid work from the basement. In videoconferences I am doing the TV reporter thing – nice shirt and whatever for the trousers I am indeed wearing. And there have been fewer work meetings.
There is the ongoing concern about toilet paper (I suppose if this were a lower GI thing the world would be out of cough drops) although Mrs. Jason has some clothes I don’t like and they may have their moment of importance soon enough.
Okay, that’s some positives. There are a lot of negatives I’m dealing with but we won’t think about that; I have no concern about job security due to this and that is invaluable.
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A relative made a Costco run and brought a mega-pak of toilet paper so we are fixed through the Apocalypse. I had not thought about the possible need to re-purpose some old clothing, but perhaps it would be a good plan to hide my two or three favorite old shirts that are on Mrs. JPC’s Disapproved List. In related news, in case you find yourself in the KC area, one of the local fireworks stores there is open for business – as I discovered when doing some research for work. Though you will probably have homemade ones if you start using some of Mrs. Jason’s clothes as described.
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Thanks, JP. I had no idea that I was so popular until now.
In addition to your blog, also worried about me are the car dealer where I bought a car in 2018; the auto club; the car insurance company; the apartment office (dead tenants don’t pay rent); WordPress; Cloudflare; a bunch of websites; the Jewish Community Center; and my old high school. My old colleges and universities haven’t contacted me yet, but that’s probably because they’re trying to figure out how to work in a fund-raising pitch.
Stay well, my friend, and as the Hitchhiker’s Guide says, “Don’t Panic.”
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Yes, it would appear that Public Relations is an “essential function” these days. In one sense, I cannot blame companies whose businesses are hard hit for waving their arms and yelling “please don’t forget about us”. However, after the first half dozen organizations expressing their concern for my well-being and promising to keep up the good work, I couldn’t help but giggle a little at the sameness of them all. Oh well, at least we can spread a little good humor as we hunker down for the greater good.
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This is quite a lot of corona fun,
But one thing is awry:
You must have thought of one bad pun—
And yet that basket’s dry…
You didn’t even try…
The absence makes me sigh.
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Hey, there’s a pandemic out there – we all have to make do with less. But just so you don’t go away disappointed, I should add that there is some biblical advice for these times: Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor’s wife. Which are certainly words to live by.
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👍
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Oh that is bad!
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We all needed a little humor in an otherwise humorless week. I found it here tonight JP. I had to snicker as I got “you weren’t raised in a barn” many times when I was growing up, though thinking back I wonder why my parents uttered that phrase – I always thought I was a perfect kid!
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I got “You weren’t raised in a barn” a time or two myself when growing up. The expression likely comes from my mother’s rural upbringing. But to be honest, the idea always sounded kind of cool to me.
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That was hilarious JP! Thanks for my laugh this morning……and so very well written. You have the tone and wording down pat. I suspect all those companies must use the same PR firm. Even the clothing stores I shop at are reassuring me of their store cleanliness and reminding me of their online presence, should I grow tired of wearing my sweats and slippers. (BTW, all my blogs are written with such attire). My particular grievance is the almost daily reassuring missives from the multi-billionaire owner of one of our major grocery stores, wherein he pledges all kinds of things which are not (yet) reflected in the actual application of said policies. He really should take a walk through one of his grocery stores. Last week he announced he was giving all of the grocery store employees a $2/hour TEMPORARY raise, but nothing was said about the 1600 pharmacies he owns (he bought out a major chain) where there has been no evidence of any protective wear such as masks, gloves or plexiglass. I would like to think that those staff might have just as much contact with COVID patients who might come in search of Tylenol, cough syrup and thermometers, as those dealing with the multitudes of grocery store shoppers, but perhaps I am over-worrying about my previous colleagues. Truly, I lost all respect for the guy when his clothing division (it is indeed an empire) had a horrible fire in one of their factories in Bangladesh and he set out a missive pledging all kinds of support for their workers making $1 a day – but an investigative report later revealed the workers had actually received nothing, not even basic medical help. I stopped shopping at the clothing store, and would quit the grocery store too if there was another one close by…..but we all need to eat. It’s so reassuring to know people are looking out for us (and their bottom line) in these troubled times.
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Yes, it would be fun to see what employee conditions are like at all those companies that send us the emails.
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PS In my childhood, “You weren’t raised in a barn” was only used when you slammed the screen door, although we had a barn with a haymow where it was fun to jump off the rafters into the straw, and to visit the new crop of kittens, waiting for their supper while my dad milked the cows.
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