Introductory note. The Coronavirus outbreak is everywhere. Literally. The news is depressing and everyone is either at home going stir crazy or at work but afraid of getting sick. Or actually sick. Rather than add to the gloom, I thought that perhaps all of you might be ready for something a little lighter. Even something as serious as COVID-19 has a lighter side, if we know where to look. So, let’s attempt to look past the suffering out there and examine one of the weirder aspects of this contagion.
I have been getting bombarded with emails from about every company I have ever given my email address to, assuring me that it is keeping its commitments to me during the present COVID-19 crisis. I thought that perhaps I should join the throng and let you all know that this little blog will be keeping its commitment to you as well. Yes, I can sometimes follow the herd. So – let’s get down to what this commitment is and how I intend to keep it.
We at JP’s Blog deeply appreciate our readership. It is because of the value we place on our relationship with you that we felt the need to assure you that you are our top priority during this difficult time of pestilence. [I have always wanted to use that word in some context outside of the Old Testament. Just look at the progress here – another item checked off from the bucket list!]
We realize that we provide a crucial service, never mind what the Governor of our State thinks. That we were not listed as one of the “Essential Services”, which permits us to roam the city at will, was surely a careless oversight. But no matter, because even with our gates locked and blinds drawn, we will continue to bring you fresh content weekly as we have done since 2015. And by authors who are wearing actual clothes and not just sweats and slippers. Because no quality content can be written by people in sweats and slippers. OK, we understand that wearing of clothes does not actually guarantee quality content, but let’s not get surly about this. In any event, we will make allowances for temporary growth of facial hair.
In terms of content, we will strive to bring you timely updates on important safety announcements. For example, will you stop touching your face already? Now go wash your hands. You weren’t raised in a barn. Please watch this space for regular updates so that we can assist you in promoting healthy practices. And we realize you were expecting some reference to “flattening the curve”, but we are so sick of this stupid phrase by now that we refuse to use it here.
Because of the financial challenges that have accompanied this pandemic, we commit to the suspension of all subscription collections, so that your readership experience will be at no cost for the foreseeable future. [What? You say you have never paid a subscription?
Well no wonder this thing isn’t making any money.] This is because your personal solvency is our top priority.
Sanitation is the other thing that is foremost in our minds – it is actually our top priority – and therefor we will provide all content to you strictly in an online form at this time. While it is true that we have never provided actual, physical written things for you to hold in your (hopefully) washed hands, we will promise to not do so for the present. Nor will we send representatives to your homes for any reason. So please be aware that if some scruffy looking guy in a flannel shirt knocks on the door telling you that he is from JP’s Blog and needs to check your connection quality, call the police because he was not dispatched from our editorial offices and is surely up to no good.
We will continue to maintain a distance of greater than six feet from all readers (at least those who do not share the physical space of our editorial offices, 100% of whom we are married to, by the way). Most of our readers will also receive additional safety buffers of hundreds, if not thousands of miles of fiber optic cable, copper wire and wi-fi air space to create a physical barrier so as to maximize the safety of your reading experience. The spread of bad puns and other less desirable parts of our publication cannot be helped, though we are looking into ways to reduce these – purely for your safety, of course.
We cannot, however, accept responsibility for the condition of any individual reader’s equipment. So just to be clear, if you get sick and die because you picked up germs from a computer keyboard that has not been cleaned since 2016 it is not our fault. And besides, didn’t we already tell you to stop touching your face?
We can assure you that we have cleaned and disinfected all of our own equipment – this has been our top priority. We can therefore assure you that none of the content provided by this site will contribute to a need to disinfect the insides of your connection cables or the individual liquid crystals in your display. But because we have no control over the other websites you might be visiting, perhaps you should give this some attention. [Note from Legal: Ferkryinoutloud don’t suggest to them that they pour some cleaning liquid inside of any of their electronic components. Do you want one of them to sue you after he pours bleach into the vents atop his expensive monitor? Of course you don’t. So just stop it.] At the risk of repeating ourselves, we are confident in the integrity of your personal electronics so please don’t, well, never mind.
Finally, there is our commitment to the management and staff at our World Headquarters Campus – they are our top priority. Financial security is important at a time like this, so please know that our deeply appreciated editorial staff will receive not a single cut in pay or benefits for the duration of this public health crisis.
In the interests of full disclosure, the management and staff of JP’s Blog numbers, uh, one. At least for now. If he gets sick and dies, well then, all bets are off. Assuming a better outcome, we should (quietly) add that he has not made one thin dime from this effort. Which gives us cause to wonder about him sometimes. But don’t say anything, we wouldn’t want to give him any ideas.
To conclude, you are our top priority and we pledge to keep our commitment to you, our valued readers. And for the last time, will you PLEASE stop touching your face!
Vintage poster from the Flickr page of Archives New Zealand, under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license, cropped for size.